Summers Girls
by Dlgood
Summary: Post S6: Buffy's POV on six years of slayage, life, and love.


Spoilers: Season 6 Buffy, Season 3 Angel  
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It's been a quiet summer on the Hellmouth, and that's a good thing. Giles took Willow back to England, Spike's still off to parts unknown, and the monsters seem to have stayed away as well.

Right after school got out I started taking Dawn on patrols. She's starting to settle down, and I'm beginning to see flashes of the sharp and smart girl from my fake memories - the ones that came before everything got shot to hell. She's not the ideal partner, but she helps me keep my head on. She's learning to take care of herself and I worry less when I can see her.

Maybe Dawnie was reading Riley's psych books behind all of our backs, because it turns out, she's become a pretty good listener and fairly insightful. These are traits nobody has ever seen before in a Summers woman. She's the one who finally pointed me in a healthy emotional direction. The two of us were sitting by Mom's tree after patrol:

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_Well Dawnie, I can't imagine Mom's very proud of how I handled the last year._

_ No Buffy - you did what she asked. We didn't die. Or at least stay dead. It's the first rule of slaying._

_ Still Dawn. I let Warren run rampant for most of the year, and Tara got killed. Willow fell apart and I wasn't there for her. Xander and Anya did too. You had your problems. If I'd been doing my job as a slayer, a friend and a sister , I could have prevented all of that. I was too busy sleeping with Spike and wallowing in my misery to be of any good. I was totally oblivious._

_ Listen to me, Buffy. Mom is incredibly proud of you. We weren't really there for you either, and the world was falling down, but you swallowed enough of your own pain to be there for us as best you could. We were all hurting and you were oblivious to a lot of it, but no matter what we knew you cared and we pulled through. You're tough, and strong, and loving, and you'd do anything to protect me. Buffy you *are* Mom._  
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Suddenly, I got it. I walked into Mom's old room, and it's 1996 all over again. Only this time, I'm the single mother of a teenage girl, struggling to make ends meet and keep my family together. And I'm hating Hank Summers more now than I ever thought I could. My baby and I are alone and we're hurting. She needs the father and husband that we thought we had. We're starting life all over, and dammit, we'll make it work.

I look back at the last six years, and it seems to explain everything. I never realized how much that divorce hurt me, and how it colored so many of my other hurts. Out of all the people I really let get close to me afterwards, Xander is the only one left, but even he isn't really close to me anymore. He's busy with the construction business and trying to make peace with Anya, so it's basically just me and Dawn. Just like it was with Mom and me. I tried to baby her too. Fat load of good that did. You'd think I would know better. I certainly do now.

I'm growing up, and I'm finally understanding that I'm not the most important girl in the world. I'm just me, and I have to take care of my family. That's Dawn. So the leaving hurts less now. Dad doesn't want to be a part of us - then screw him. I'm not his girl anymore. I don't need him. We don't need him.

Giles was my watcher, but he became my father figure. That's why he couldn't leave before, and why Wesley could never replace him. It hurt when he left, but he was right that I didn't need him to be my daddy anymore. Mom didn't depend on grandpa. I won't either.

Now, I am going to need a watcher soon, but not in the old sense like Merrick or Giles. I've learned a lot about slaying over the past few years and I've put a lot of thought into how it needs to be done. The council wanted to have a weapon like Kendra, but in the long run, I don't think that's what's right. I've gotten to 21 and I'd like to think that, emotional-crises aside, I'm pretty damn good. A good slayer needs the occasional skilled sparring partner, a research whiz, and an advisor to bounce strategy off of. When you are younger, a father figure and friends are needed too, but I don't need those anymore. 

Looking back, I realized that mom didn't have a lot of friends or lovers in Sunnydale, because family and work had to come first. And as the slayer and Dawn's guardian it isn't any different for me. None of my romantic relationships have worked out and my close friendships are a mess too. I'm both Buffy and the Slayer, and they get pulled in different directions. How many times have I forgotten that. I haven't been truly close to other people since High School - things either became professional or they fell apart spectacularly.

That's the real reason Xander is the only Scooby that's still with me. More than anything he's loyal - at first I thought to me, but now I understand, it's to the cause. In the end, he's my "Key Guy". He'll do what has to be done. When I faced the Master alone, he went to Angel and he came to back me up. When my world fell down, he came up with a plan to stop the Judge. When I had to stop Acathla, he didn't give me the excuse to waver. He thought up a way to defeat Adam, and he talked Willow out of ending the world.

But no way could I get close to him again, or heaven forbid date him. Xander is still a judgmental ass. He ignored Willow for years, was unfaithful to Cordelia, thought Faith could love him, and never really appreciated Anya. Even if I felt it with him, and I don't, getting close to Xander would ruin our working relationship, and that's more important. I speak from experience here. Office romances don't work for me, and since my job won't end until I die, assuming I stay dead, I'm just gonna back off. Now I understand why Mom and Giles never tried anything even though I know they could have.

I've put my past romances in much healthier perspective. We've got Tyler, Pike, Owen, Tom Warner, Cameron Walker, Scott Hope, and Ben - brief things that were never going anywhere. Plus Tom and Cameron tried to kill me. There's Parker, the kind of guy that half the women in California have been duped by once in their lives. Then we've got Angel, Riley and Spike.

After Hank Summers, mom dated Ted the psycho-killer robot. I hope out taste in men isn't genetic. Maybe I should pack Dawnie off to a convent before it's too late.

Getting involved with Spike was a huge mistake, but he gave me something I really needed at the time. I do believe that he loved me, in a sick and twisted demon way, but it was never healthy. Loving me came second to being "the Bad" for him. Having something his hated grandsire couldn't, the thrill of dancing with a slayer, the pain his demon craved, and some really acrobatic sex - those all came first for him. He was still evil. That's why he kept trying to manipulate me. That's why he tried to isolate me from my friends. I was the ultimate prize for him - why else sould he stick around Sunnydale so long? That's why it was so hard for him to accept he could no longer have me. That I wasn't just a thing to be had.

It's not like I wasn't a willing participant. I got a lot out it, and not just the raw sex and emotional release. Spike listened to me, and he made me feel like someone cared just for me. He was persistent and he fought to get through my walls, whether or not I needed to keep them up. I didn't really love him and I didn't really want him to love me either, but I did need him to look out for Dawn when I was to screwed up or frantic to do it myself. Most importantly, he was there, and there for only me. I hid my relationship from him because I was ashamed, but also because I needed something to be only mine.

I first became available for him when Mom got sick. No one else could really be there for me. Dawnie, Giles and the Scoobies needed me to be strong, Angel was AWOL, and Riley never really understood me. Spike just listened. It's not like I wanted him that year, but he was there and I needed somebody to turn to. If Angel had stayed after Mom's funeral I would never looked at twice at Spike. It was like that when I got ripped out of heaven. Angel and I weren't in each others' worlds, and he would have gone nuts if I told him what I was really feeling. I know how he reacted when Drusilla turned Darla. I didn't want him feeling any guiltier, and I don't even want to think about what he and Willow might have done to each other. So it made plenty of sense to leave him be in L.A. Spike, on the other hand, fit the bill.

I didn't give in to Spike until I realized Giles was leaving. At first I through it off as an excuse to Spike, but looking back it was the final straw. When my parents started fighting, Daddy got out of my life. He spent more time at work. When we moved, he started visiting less until it just stopped. And I didn't have a choice. No matter what I felt or wanted or did, Daddy didn't want to be in my life. Angel left me, and he never asked for or listened to what I wanted for myself. Parker seduced and dropped me. Riley gave me an ultimatum and ran into the jungle. So there I was at the lowest point in my existence and Giles leaves me without any adults that I could turn to for advice or guidance. So I turned to Spike. He's kind of an adult. Most importantly, he was never going to leave me. I didn't love him so he couldn't hurt me.

The problem was, Spike always wanted too much from me. It would have been better if we could have been just friends. It wasn't enough for him, and he was able to kill me, so I slept with him. We could abuse each other emotionally and physically, but as long as I let him touch me he would never leave. After his stunt with the demon eggs I realized that with me being the slayer and him being evil, we needed to stop once and for all. Sooner or later he'd pull some dumb stunt, and I'd have to stake him. Or worse he'd tire of me and kill me. I was giving him plenty of chances. So I had to end things. It's not possible to let a soulless monster down easy. They can't understand. He tried to rape me.

Riley wanted more than I could give him, too. I really did try to love him. He was the perfect guy for 15-year old "Princess Buffy" and the perfect guy for a normal girl. Mom loved him too. But I'm not normal. Riley didn't understand our world and I'm not sure he really wanted to. At heart, he looks forward to retiring back to Iowa where his little woman can be the perfect wife and raise perfect little children on the farm. Even if I wanted that, it's not in my future. I'm a slayer and a Summers girl. I'm not going to be caged. I couldn't love him the way he wanted, so things festered until he found a way to leave. It was painful, but I made it worse because I clung to him for months after I knew it was inevitable. I was too afraid of being alone, especially when Willow and Xander looked like they had found their life partners.

In my heart of hearts, I'd already found mine. It took me three years to understand, but I'm finally moving on from Angel. His leaving me screwed me up in a major way, and if he'd handled it better, if we stayed in touch, I might have avoided the Spike and Riley fiascoes altogether. But, we're Warriors. The world is still turning, and we are both still active in the fight. That's more important than anything I want for Buffy.

What I want for Buffy doesn't matter.

I understand the reasons he gave me, but I'll never agree with them. He claims to have left because he couldn't give me things I "deserved". Sunlight, children and lovemaking. It seemed he wasn't thinking about what I could actually have or what I wanted. After high school, I have less a place than ever in the daylight than before. I don't have time for pregnancy and I'll be fighting or dead too often to properly raise a baby. (Good thing Dawn was a ready-made teenager) And lovemaking without love is impossible.

I don't think Angel has admitted the real reasons to himself. He left me because he never loved me as much as I loved him. It wasn't our calling as warriors or even the curse, though I'm sure he'll cling to both to preserve his own sense of nobility and martyrdom. Why try so hard to stay out of touch with me, even if we're supposed to be partners in the same fight? Angel wanted to preserve the ideal of a Saintly Buffy as his muse and inspiration, without having to deal with the compromises and challenges a relationship entails. He didn't even give me the option of a long distance relationship. He didn't want to know how I was really feeling. He didn't want me to know how he was doing and he didn't want my help. He only came to me when he needed to reaffirm his own sense of nobility. Riding unknown to my rescue at Thanksgiving, coming to me when Mom died, and making sure I was really back from the grave. Not much for follow through, though. He doesn't want to be reminded of his misdeeds with the soul, or how much he's let me down. Some lousy love-of-my-life I got.

Angel thinks I don't know about the Shanshu. Or the day he gave back. I can't bring myself to shatter his illusions of nobility. He needs to cling to that, even as he forgets his purpose, even as he starts prioritizing making money, and even as he pursues vendettas while he stops looking to forgive people. He likes to punish himself and create artificial suffering.

The sad thing is, that if Angel got his act together, won his battles and got his Shanshu, and came to me, I'd still take him back. He backed out the first time he was human with me, but with a PTB pants kick and no Oracles as an out clause, the coward might actually try. I still use that hope for extra fuel when I start to question why I still bother. Even though I know that if he came back, Angel and I wouldn't be happy, at least not in the long run - assuming I have one. He'll be just like Daddy - he'll start staying late at work, we'll have the arguments, and they he's off to Spain with a teenage secretary. Pathetic much? This dance he's doing with Cordelia doesn't impress me. I'm aware of my pathologies and neediness, but little girl Buffy can only grow so tall.

I look back over the last six years and I know that it's just us Summers girls. My mother and my daughter. It took a while but Mommy and I understood each other, just like with me and Dawn. My first sister understood me so quickly, but then again, my heart was still so open when Kendra came to town.

It's about time for me to really be open with my other sister.

I was never really there for Faith. I was wrapped up in my own pain, and I didn't realize that I could have made things better for both of us by sharing with her. I didn't want to get know her then, because I wasn't ready to know myself. I left her alone in that awful Motel, when I should have taken her in at home and told her about losing Merrick and about Angel. That would have eased her pain over her own losses back in Boston. I should have been more of a friend to her. There's a darkness in all of us and she's to blame for giving in to it. But I didn't help her fight it, and in that way I failed the world as Slayer, I failed the scoobs as a friend, and I failed Faith as a sister. Because that's what we are. Sisters. Me. Kendra. Faith. Slayers and sisters.

We have so much to talk about, and I hope we can. I hope she keeps doing well in prison. The world needs its warriors and she'll have to be ready soon. I've had a few dreams here and there, and I know big things are on the horizon. I don't know how much time I have left, but I have to be here when she gets out, just so I know she's okay. Mom never forgot her. She understood that Faith was lonely and hurting when I didn't. I'm finally ready understand now. Before Faith went to jail, I didn't know her birthday or even her last name. Joyce Summers did. Mom wrote to Faith, and I never knew until I went through her unsent mail after the funeral. Last week, I finally told Dawn.

Dawn always thought Faith was cool. She's drawn to people like Spike and Faith because they aren't as straight-laced as me. Because they're rebellious. And fun. I'm hoping Dawn can grow out of that, just like I hope Faith is growing up. I can't forget the way Faith used to look after Dawnie, even when she was betraying the rest of us

One last thing. I'm not going to apologize to Faith for killing her. I can apologize for doing less to keep it from getting that far, but not for gutting Faith with her own knife. Even as much as I hated having to do it, she was on the dark side and I couldn't talk her back. Sooner or later, we were going to have it out. As I said, the world needs it warriors. Angel was unique, I knew slayer blood could cure him, and I knew we were replaceable. I couldn't leave her in play for the Ascension. It wasn't my only choice, but it was pretty clear. To be honest, at that point I wanted her dead. Until I stuck her with the knife. And then I was looking in the face of my sister, the girl that I could have been, and who could have been me. And I felt incredibly guilty. At least I didn't feed her to Angel. And even after the soul-switching, I was glad to know she was alive. Not just because I didn't want to be a killer, though I know I am. She's my sister.

I've never visited the prison, but I wanted to. I wasn't ready to face myself before, and I wasn't ready to face her either. I'm ready now. I'm going to write her, she'll write back, and when she's ready I'll come.

I'll bring Dawn. Us Summers girls have to stick together.  



End file.
